Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Am I A Bad Daughter

Im crying big fat tears (you may know this is not the first blog post I have started like that) Ive just read this post from Glennon Doyle Melton  she is one of my most favourite writers, a real honest hasnt got all the answers mam (or mom technically) she is also an addict (or has suffered with addiction) and talks honestly about it, so there in lies the problem you see. She writes amazingly but as I can tell you that eing the daughter of an addict not in recovery is painful and reading this post has broken me! I have big fat tears rolling off my face and soaking my top ! Peant has just come to me asnd asked

P- Mammy why are you crying
M-Mammy just feels sad, its ok though sometimes that happens (remember Im trying  following the honest and open path  with the kids)
P-Why are you sad
M-I was just thinking about my mammy
P-Whats wrong with her
M-Nothing baby, I just miss her a bit
P-Then go see her
M-Ah she doesn't want to see me just yet
P-Why though just ring her and say you miss her

How easy life is when you are small!

So my Mam hasn't seen us in over 6 years, we have a horrible dysfunctional relationship and it has been reduced to me sending texts to check she is OK and nothing more. She doesn't want to see us and whenever I try to make plans she doesn't show and I feel guilty having let this happen but...

  • Its easier to not being confronted risk the addiction fuelled nastiness 
  • Its easier to protect my babies from the messiness
  • its easier to protect my heart from the sadness
  • Its easier not to face the disappointment that years of providing support and joinin her in meetings hasn't helped
  • Its easier not to face the knowledge that I can not fix her
  • Its easier to not have to explain that Nana didnt show again because she cant fight

But is this how she feels

Does she feel like she ran out of tries, have I made her feel like that, should I be trying more?

'THERE IS NO RUNNING OUT OF TRIES. LIFE IS FOREVER TRIES. Every heartbeat is proof that you’ve got another try. Listen to me: If your people are tired of you, find some new people.'

Have I become a bad daughter should I give her more tries? I feel guilty and cross and angry and sad and emotional that she should have more tries but it hurts and its hard and.... well I don't have the words  to explain it. Am I selfish,  Am I awful?

I have no ending for this post, I was moved to write something after reading Glennon's post, I was moved to get out the words and emotions but it didn't bring a conclusion just confusion


  1. I'm sorry Karen, that's really tough. I would say the fact that you are thinking through this would mean that you couldn't be a bad daughter

  2. I have a strange relationship with my mother that years of therapy haven't helped. She's just visited to see the baby, but I'll not see or hear from her again until she wants to. The 14 year old didn't see her for 9 years. It's easier and healthier to put your own little family first. It doesn't make you a bad daughter. It makes you an excellent mum x

    1. It's hard to think aboit sometimes though isn't it? Peanut has asked 'but why wouldn't a mammy want to see her children? Of from the mouths....

  3. Not something I ever talk about but my mum was an alcoholic & it was awful. She only drank for about 4-5 years but I hated it she went to rehab, done hospital detoxes , went to some dodgy place in town full of druggies for help and every time the drink won. I was close to her but at times I hated her for it. Your not a bad daughter for not seeing her, there is only so much you can put up with xx

    1. Isn't it strange that we make the choice not to talk about it though? I've taken 38 years to be able to to realise it's jot my responsibility to hide the secret!

  4. I think after a while you have to just look after yourself. I've not spoken to my sister in many, many years and that's to protect myself from tears, anger, confusion, rejection, betrayal, being used. Let yourself be sad but then be proud you're a wonderful mam.

    1. Thanks, families are a strange old bundle aren't they!

  5. You hid it whie it was going on too Karen. Not one bit of it was your fault. You did the very best you could. to fix her. You should be proud of the lovely mum you are. I know I am x

  6. Oh my gosh Karen, you are wonderful and I think you may have the same type of mother as I have, I haven't seen mine since 2006 and had a year of therapy, finally my therapist told me I was the daughter of a narcissist and I would never be good enough and I knew she was right, she actually speaks to my ex, also a narcissist and it's all very complicated, remind me when I see you to tell you the snippets you need to know. Just remember this, every day you look in the mirror and say I'm good enough, that's all you ever have to be and you are more than that but just remember you only have to be good enough, much love xxx

  7. I'miss sorry, it sounds really difficult. You aren't a bad daughter, you are an amazing mum protecting yourself and your children from hurt xx

  8. How very brave of you to write about your feelings - that alone shows that you're not a bad daughter. It's a very fine balance between trying to be there for your Mum, and protecting your own family. It sounds like you are doing a perfect job, and it seems to me that you would be there and willing to forgive and try again, which makes you a very special person indeed. Your children are very lucky to have you as their Mum xx