Are you kind to yourself?
Today I was invited by the lovely We Are Sparkle, to attend a Business Confidence talk by Sharon MacArthur from Red Handbag . The talk was great and Sharon brought up some brilliant points about not trying to be like everyone else and appreciating your uniqueness, having the confidence to say no, building a team (or a tribe I like to think of it as) being brave and not worrying about the things you can't control.
All very sensible and valid points but half way through after the question 'when did yo last say well done to yourself?' I felt the familiar bubble of tears!!
OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO CRY! In a room full of strangers, for no tangible reason and with no explanation I could feel it coming! Luckily the Sparkle Lasses had provided chocolate so I ate my tears away with a mini fudge and carried on. But it took me by surprise and it didnt go away! It's made me realise that for a little while I've been feeling a bit disconnected and discombobulated! I should set the scene for you....
I used to be a really confident proffessional, running shows and looking after a whole Theatre on my todd with no issues. I could talk through evacuation procedures with the firefighters, heck Im even a trained door supervisor. But returning from my first maternity leave left a gap in my confidence and I guess that has just grown, so as I gave up my career and became a stay at home mum I guess my confidence just dwindled. This in itself is a huge mental adjustment. But I didnt realise quite how much until Wednesday when I realised that mentally I had made about 10 excuses not to attend the event. I knew I would be late (the logistical nightmare of school runs etc) and I would have to walk into a room full of strangers BUT I made myself go and everyone was lovely and kind and intereting and INTERESTED
I have though, spend all day in a tizzy, I think of myself as a really positive person and I talk of silver linings a lot but proffessionally Im so busy concentrating on what I haven't done that Im missing what I have acheived and its starting to spill into my personal life. Today made me realise a lot of unkind things that Im doing to myself and Im going to bare my soul and tell you about them
Emotional Eating - I admit it Im an emotional eater and my weight gain over Christmas has triggered a vicious circle of comfort eating and disliking myself even more, so comfort eating even more. But loading my body with sugar salt and rubbish really has an effect on my mood and health.
Being Hard on Myslef -this list is endless, I havent ironed in weeks, I havent sorted the loft, the house is untidy the fidge needs a clean.... I shant go further I know you know the drill.
Self Sacrifice - OK its not as dramatic as it sounds Im not offering myself to some volcano to save an island! But I havent gone for a haircut, night out, half an hour of peace even, for a long time. I don't make any time for myself and even my planned peaceful bath's never last more than 10 minutes. Today Sharon asked if you could have 30 mintes just for you what would you do and honestly Id like to sit still and quiet and listen to my thoughts!
Listening to My Inner Bully - You know the one Im talking about, your inner voice the one who tells you that you look awful in that photo, the house is shameful, you missed your target or didnt complete the list. We are so hard on ourselves and you know what if someone actually spoke like that to our children/bestie/family we would be the first to leap in and defend them. So why oh why do we (I mean why dont I!) shut that inner voice up with a, yeah it may be a rubbish photo but look at the fun we are having, or yep the house is a mess but see how happy my kids are? They dont care....
Now I'll be honest with you, I normally end these types of posts with an uplifting plan filled paragraph of how things will get better, but Im afaid not today. I can say all of these things that Ive realised today but Ive not yet got a plan, Ive just got a tear streaked face and the knowledge that something has to change this mummy does not want her kids growing up thinking it normal to treat yourself this unkindly
Logistically I can't find the childcare, or finance to attend a course to get me back on track, so this is down to me, and I won't lie, building my own confidence and self esteem feels daunting but I'm sure it's do-able.
I will end however asking you when the last time was that you told yourself well done? Can't remember? Well listen here, well done for today, well done for being the best you could be for getting through the day and being the brilliant person you are.